Peace Out

I’ll be away from the computer for the next few days, check back next week, hopefully I’ll be back up and running then. In the meantime, if you don’t have a kid, do me a favor and:

Walk around your house naked

Spend the money you’d have to spend on diapers on wine

Sleep til 10am this Saturday (but get in bed, this tub does not look comfy)

Just cause you can. -K

Holy Tuition, Batman.

Check out what I read today:

A good rule of thumb is that tuition rates will increase at about twice the general inflation rate. During any 17-year period from 1958 to 2001, the average annual tuition inflation rate was between 6% and 9%, ranging from 1.2 times general inflation to 2.1 times general inflation. On average, tuition tends to increase about 8% per year. An 8% college inflation rate means that the cost of college doubles every nine years. For a baby born today, this means that college costs will be more than three times current rates when the child matriculates in college.

Which means, if you have a baby, go ahead and get that second job waiting tables at The Olive Garden NOW. -K

Read on Twitter

At a kid’s birthday party where the parents served carrot cake instead of real cake. Seriously, if you don’t love your kids, don’t show it. -lukeinvan

Uh Oh.

Saturday’s Baby

Becky sent me this pic of her adorable baby. Of course, everyone knows that I much prefer children when they’re sleeping, so points scored there. Is it just me or does this kid have a wee too many toys hanging from the car seat? It’s like a carwash with toys instead of swishy flaps. What happens if the kid wakes up and completely freaks out because there are brightly colored animals attacking its face? I want video. -K

Bathroom Etiquette

I was reading an article about weird things that toddlers do, and #8 on the list was that they often throw toys, household objects, hairbrushes, toothbrushes, and whatever else they can get their little grubby hands into the toilet. Something about toilet training making them fascinated with the ole’ porcelain bowl. Dude. My idea of a good morning includes not having to fish my iPhone out of the place where Eric does his dirty business. -K

Hairstyling

It was the phrase I dreaded hearing the most when I was young…“Come here and let me fix your hair”. There is no pain quite like the pain of a mother in a hurry running a brush through tangled hair. Every little girl wants to be cute and have all sorts of hairstyles, but it would save everyone a lot of time and tears if we instituted a military-style jarhead cut for all kids. The barrette/ponytail holder/scrunchie manufacturers would have some objections, but I think it’s worth a discussion.

I didn’t realize until I got older that I could have had it worse – at least no one was putting cornrows in my hair. Good Lord, the things that black folks go through with their hair – I can not complain even a little bit compared to some of the craziness going down in those beauty parlors.

Which leads me somehow to ask, have I ever told you about My Most Embarrassing Moment As A White Person? Um, so, years ago, I met Busta Rhymes, and I congratulated him on his recent win on VH1’s “Celebrity Boot Camp”. To be fair, I had only briefly seen a commercial for it in passing, I should have just kept my mouth shut unless I had actually watched the show and knew what I was talking about, because yes, oh, dear, sweet, Jesus, forgive me, Busta Rhymes was not on that show, it was Coolio.

I can’t believe I just admitted that to the internet. Someone else better share an embarrassing story in the comments. -K

Pink Eye

I have pink eye. Health is such a funny thing. Well, not funny ha-ha, but more funny like dude, humans are weird in that we tend to take all parts of our body for granted until there’s something wrong with them. You don’t appreciate how great it is to breathe until you get asthma or break a rib. You don’t appreciate walking until you have to use crutches. And I didn’t appreciate the glory of healthy eyes until I got pink eye. I can’t put my contacts in, I keep tearing up, it itches but I’m not supposed to scratch it, and blinking is painful. Also, I’ve heard that I have to throw away my eye makeup!? What? I dunnooo.

The thing about pink eye is that it’s contagious, so, if I had a kid, they’d have it too and then I’d have to listen to someone else whine. -K

Less dirty clothes

I’ve been going to the same dry cleaners, Sunny Cleaners, for eight years, despite the fact that we moved away from her location in Hollywood four years ago. For three years I would truck on over from Beverly Hills to see my cheerful Sunny, a lovely Chinese woman, and now I make the trek from downtown. Being a small town girl living in LA, I enjoy the comfortable feeling of walking into a place where they know my name and seem happy to see me (she always yells “Mulphy!” as I walk in the door, it’s like an Asian Cheers).

Feeling familiar is a hard thing to achieve in LA. I’ve been living downtown since March and the people at my neighborhood Starbuck’s still don’t know even my drink order. When we were filming in Georgia, it took about a week before they started making my coffee as I walked in the door. I’m not saying the South is perfect, but when it comes to friendly customer service, they’ve got LA beat in a major way.

So, I was chillin’ at Sunny’s this weekend as her employees scurried around collecting all of our clothes for pickup, and Sunny says to me, “You and your husband, you married long time now.” I smiled and said, “Yes, five years, and living together for ten, so we are definitely old and boring”, thinking that she was going to congratulate me for being in a long term relationship in a day and age where they are such a rarity. Nope. She said, “You have baby NOW!”, like an order, like a direct command, as if what she really wanted was for me to squat down and go into labor right then and there.

Anonymity. Maybe I’ll reconsider its perks. -K

Cutest Cousins

Here’s my cousin, Sarah Grace, as a jack-o-lantern (being escorted by her folks Christi and Jack):

Here’s Eric’s cousin, Isaac, the Panda Bear:

And here is Kaylee the Princess and Tristen the Cars Pit Crew Dude:

Who needs kids when you’ve got such adorable relatives? -K

Saturday’s Baby

This lovely boy is my nephew, Jordan. Named after Michael Jordan because my brother Geoff is that much of a fan, oh yes he is. Thank God they don’t live in Hollywood, because then he would have named him 23. To be different, get it? Because Hollywood types name their kids things like Apple and Puma and Brooklyn.

Send me pictures of your kids in their Halloween costumes if you want them posted next week! happywithoutkids@yahoo.com -K

Today, I wish I had a kid.

Oh, the fun of kids in costumes. If I had a child I might just dress it in a costume everyday and tell people that it would throw a fit if I didn’t allow it. Crazy little eccentric kid of mine, whatever am I to do? Heh heh.

Check this costume out that Pilar made for Joe. Apparently, Hugh Hefner wears little devil horns every Halloween (I did not know that, you learn something new every day, dontcha) so Pilar went all out with the authenticity. Come on. Cutest. Playboy. Ever.

Happy Halloween to all! This picture is all Angie’s fault. -K

371 Days

Last Friday, this blog turned a year old, and I totally missed marking the occasion.

It’s not like I forgot my kid’s first birthday or anything. Now THAT would be embarrassing.

Happy First, and thanks to all of our readers. We’re glad that you keep coming back. If you didn’t, I would get lonely and consider having a kid to keep me company. -K

Dirty Little Parenting Secrets

Hurray! I love it when a magazine like Parenting actually reveals that having kids is not 100% bliss all the time. So many other sources would have you believe that you’re not even a complete person until you fullfill your ultimate purpose as a human, to Make A Baby. Check this article out:

Moms’ Dirty Little Secrets

Not liking how your child’s turning out or regretting what you gave up? Here’s why you shouldn’t kick yourself

By Fernanda Moore, Parenting

Since my son Zander was born 11 years ago, I’ve talked to countless moms about the myriad ways kids have altered our lives. Most of the time, we agree, motherhood is pretty wonderful — yet, truth be told, taking care of kids can get even the best of us down. What the experts don’t tell you, and what other moms are sometimes loath to admit, is that there are a few dirty little secrets involved in child rearing. In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve listed some of the very dirtiest — and how to come clean with them so that they lose their power.

If you have more than one child, you’ll probably have a favorite.

“I’m blown away by how adorable one of my kids is these days,” I recently confessed to my friends Jenn and Kate. They smiled — they’re both moms of two — so I went for broke. “The other one, however, is a total pain,” I said. “Everything he does drives me nuts, and I can’t wait to get away from him.”

From the looks of horror on their faces, you’d think I’d just copped to infanticide. Jenn and Kate swore up and down that they loved their kids equally, and that even if one did happen to be a tiny bit cuter or more endearing once in a while, they’d never let their preferences show. Sure, they remembered how the first kid suddenly seemed gigantic and uncouth when they brought home the newborn sibling, and they even recalled the flashes of protective rage they’d felt when Thing One “accidentally” hugged Thing Two a little too hard, or worse. But this was normal — all the books said so. Feeling a preference once the helpless-infant stage had passed? That seemed taboo.

Coming clean.

Imagine you have two husbands. One sits in his underpants all day, scratching himself and drinking beer in front of the television. The other one brings you flowers, tells you you’re beautiful and fascinating, and hangs on your every word. Which one would you want to sleep with?

Okay, it’s not a perfect analogy, but you get my point. “I think it’s crazy when moms don’t admit they have favorites,” says Beth Resweber, a mom of four who lives in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania. “But it changes. At any given time, one of your kids is going to be stuck in some behavioral rut. My most colicky baby, who cried nonstop and needed tons more attention, now sets his own alarm, gets ready, and does homework more efficiently than anyone else. In the end, it all evens out.”

Remember, family dynamics are meant to be plastic, and acknowledging that sometimes you simply mesh better with one kid than another can help you understand and tolerate the times your kids’ own allegiances shift. “In any case, feeling fonder of one kid is always temporary,” Resweber says. “My love for all of them is bottomless.” And the silver lining? Going through a rough patch when you’re not in sync with one of them can make the inevitable reunion with that child that much sweeter.

Raising kids gets much easier physically as they get older…but much harder mentally.

When my kids were tiny, there were times when all I wanted was enough space to take a shower, enough peace to eat a meal without interruption, and enough energy to make it through the day. But I took solace from friends with older kids (and from the soothing words of books and magazines), all of whom assured me I’d eventually make it out alive.

Imagine my chagrin when I found out that for every reason it’s easier to parent a sixth-grader than an infant, there’s an equal and opposite reason it’s more difficult. Staggering around on three hours of sleep was hard, but at least I didn’t have to think too much. Talking Zander down off a homework ledge (when I barely remember algebra), trying to figure out a tactful way to cope with an overbearing teacher, offering advice that isn’t hopelessly lame when confronted with some social conundrum like not being invited to the cool kid’s birthday party — I’ll take caring for a baby any day. And I’m not alone.

Coming clean.

“My biggest mental challenge with my five-year-old is that I need to be more creative with everything,” says Nikki Brooks, a mom of two who lives in Langhorne, Pennsylvania. “When Kiersten was a baby and didn’t want to do something, we were able to get her to do it anyway — she didn’t have the ability to negotiate! Now she stands her ground and has a few of her own beliefs, and it’s a challenge to find a way to guide her in the right direction without smothering her independence.” And now that Kiersten is in school — riding the bus and spending most of her day with people her mom doesn’t know — Brooks has found that she’s had to give up some control. “But when I see how happy she is getting off the bus, I know it’s worth it,” she says.

Taking care of kids actually isn’t that hard. But it can make everything else in life nearly impossible.

I’ve never had a real job. Yes, I’ve written articles and taught a few classes since Zander was born, but I’ve never had what one could call a career. So I can only speak for myself when I say the following: While I wouldn’t have wanted to spend the past 11 years doing anything besides raising my two sons, it hasn’t exactly felt as if I were running the World Bank. I mean, how demanding is it to read Frog and Toad for the umpteenth time, or to push somebody over and over on the swing? In my experience, caring for my kids has turned out to be something I can do with plenty of time left to goof around in a low-grade way — in other words, it’s a slacker paradise. As Dave Barry once quipped, taking care of children is laughably easy, provided you don’t try to do anything else. (That’s why I give kudos to moms who work — at home or outside of it.)

Dave Barry is, as usual, exactly on target. “When you’re doing the laundry, your kid will always find some little game that fascinates him,” says Julia Steury, Minneapolis mom to Patrick, 5, and 8-month-old twins Caroline and Edward. However, the minute you’re seduced by his self-sufficiency and sneak off, he’ll burst into flames of burning, immediate need.

Coming clean.

“I used to get frustrated,” Steury says. “Then I realized I absolutely had to compartmentalize my time.” So if your kid is napping, or mesmerized by a DVD, seize the moment aggressively, says Steury, who blogs in her free time. Whenever you can, don’t waste valuable solo time on chores or errands. In my house, naps and the post-bedtime hours are chore-free zones: I write, read, or just catch up on e-mails.

Once I embrace my inner Dave Barry, and stop expecting to accomplish things when my kids are lurking, needily, in the background, I’m much happier. You can also split the difference, says Steury. “When Patrick is doing a craft at the kitchen table, for instance, and I know he’ll need me every two seconds, I unload the dishwasher. Patrick doesn’t need my full attention, but neither does the dishwasher, so things get done and everyone’s happy.”

Your child might not turn out the way you want her to.

“My dirty little secret is that I expected my daughter to be just like me,” confesses Sarah, who doesn’t want to reveal her last name or where she’s from. “I did well in school, I was athletic, and I always stayed thin. My daughter, who’s eight, is just the opposite — she hates school, hates sports, and is a bit heavy.”

Babies are all possibility. Older kids, on the other hand, can be rude, uncooperative, bratty, self- involved…the list goes on and on. When your child stands up and toddles away from you, she turns into a person, and people can be complicated and upsetting.

Whether it’s a secret hope that our child will excel at gymnastics, or simply a fond desire that she’ll love the same things we enjoyed at her age, we often assume our kids will mimic our values, our desires, our talents. After the initial surprise — where did she come from? — darker feelings can follow. “I secretly think, ‘Why couldn’t she be more like I was at her age?’ And then I feel so guilty,” says Sarah.

Coming clean.

“I have to remind myself that I love my daughter first and foremost, and that she is who she is — she’s not a reflection of me,” says Sarah. Venting to a selective audience also helps. Though she never confesses her negative feelings about her daughter to her husband or other family members, “I’m lucky to have two very close friends whom I can talk to about everything, and they’re great. I even saw a therapist about it, and she said something that shocked me — that it’s okay to hate your kids sometimes so long as you always love them.”

Sarah says she felt much better after her therapist gave her “permission to feel the way I was feeling.” While she’s had to accept that her daughter will never be, say, a star soccer player, “she’s a whiz at computers.” When she shows her daughter she’s proud of her — and rewards her for progress in school instead of holding her to unrealistic standards — “our relationship improves, and I feel much better.”

We don’t choose our kids — they are who they are. Coming to terms with this really does make us not only better parents but better people as well.

Smells and Food

I’ve been experimenting with making Thai food since we are thinking about relocating for a while and I want to be prepared (Me? Anal and OCD? Noooooo). I fell asleep way too early the other night and left the kitchen a mess of spices and green onions and whatnot. The next morning, it smelled awful. As I was cleaning up, though, I thought, it doesn’t smell worse than a pail full of diapers would.

Plus, babies totally don’t eat Thai food and that’s what’s cooking in Karyn’s kitchen. Strike two. -K